BLAST OFF from the Past: Kevin Cheatdick

Note:  There is no exaggeration to this story (other than his name being protected). It is absolutely - the way it all went down...

In Jan 2010 I was emailing a guy from JDate.  We had a lot in common.  We were both from the East Coast, families both moved out here, shared many of the same interests, connected on several levels, etc.  I was with my friend Christine for brunch on the day that me and "Kevin Cheatdick" were supposed to meet.  I was very excited about this particular date and Christine and I were joking about me marrying this guy. 

Kevin and I met out at a nice restaurant for dinner.  We were there for hours and closed the restaurant down.  I remember nice things that he said to me, which made me feel special.  At the end of the date, we said goodbye, and I called my mom on the way home and told her that "I just had a date with the guy I was going to marry."  Kevin and I dated for about 5-6 weeks or so.  He put effort into every date to make them perfect.  He texted me sweet things at night such as “Ciao Bella” and I soaked up every letter. On our second date we went for dinner and we had a surprise appointment after dinner but we talked so much that we missed our appointment (I did not know what this appointment was). On our third date, Kevin had us booked (a surprise) for Asian foot massages after dinner.  I never had one before and I felt like I was on the Bachelorette.   On our fourth date, Kevin cooked us dinner.  Everything was perfect from the appetizer to the bread, etc.  He kicked me out by midnight with a sweet kiss.  He didn’t want to jump into things because he “really liked me.”  He had a very nice house and he impressed me with his several cars, many pair of designer jeans, designer workout clothes, and a membership to about 20 wine clubs.  He owned a company/patent/product that many of you probably use today and is quite successful. I told my friends about him and they thought his conversations about the “varietals of the grape” and his "several cars" and "show dog" were pompous and they couldn’t believe that I was into this guy.  Well…I was.   After a couple of more dates, Kevin fell off the face of the earth.  I never knew what really happened but all he said was he wasn’t ready and he was in the middle of selling his company, etc.  I was hurt, but just let it go and if it was meant to be, he would come back. He told me he would contact me in about a week but never did.

In Sept/Oct 2010, I went on vacation to Italy.  I tasted different “varietals of the grape” en Italia.  I thought I’d impress him with my trip to Italy and wine tastings so I emailed him to let him know and also see what’s up in his life.  That same week I met Ricardo and by the time Kevin wrote back, I was several weeks into dating Ricardo (seeing him every night) and did not want to ruin what seemed like a good thing -- so I did not pursue Kevin.  I did tell Kevin that I was in a relationship (I don’t remember when exactly I told him, but I did).  Kevin texted to check in a few times over the year and I continued to tell him that I was unavailable.  I never met up with him but after each text, I felt like I was keeping a huge secret from Ricardo -- even if I did not reply.  So – I was always honest with Ricardo and then I always felt better.  Ricardo hated it.  He hated that he was in love with me and then some “douche” (as Ricardo puts it) texted me and I acted all weird.  Ricardo thought he was second choice.  I felt bad about that.  He never understood that I was actually choosing him by not replying or by telling Kevin that I am unavailable. I did not want to leave him for Kevin and Ricardo actually was first choice. I just had to deal with the blast from the past popping up.

In April 2011, I was in between houses and I stayed with Ricardo for a month in his 600ish square foot bungalow.  There were his things, my things, us, and Pappy.  A tight squeeze.  I called it the “mouse house” because that is what it looked like and I never realized that I made Ricardo feel bad every time I said it.  I feel sorry for that now.  Ricardo had to go to away for a day and I stayed alone in his place.  Of course it happened to be the one day that it poured in our typical Sunny environment, and his roof had a huge hole in it.  I was freezing and alone in this tiny place with rain dripping in.    Ironically (I think I'm using this right), Kevin texts me to tell me that he just bought a house in …I don’t want to give away any identifying information…the most expensive zip code in the US.   That did not help the way that I felt in the mouse house and my thoughts about financial security moving forward.  All I did was text back to say "congrats."  Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that Ricardo was a great person and I continued to wait for stability.  

Kevin soon met someone so the texts to me finally became more and more rare and I was happy that we can both move on with our lives.  I recently texted Kevin to see if he knew Old Balls (see suitor #22 ) since there might be reasons that they would know each other.  Kevin didn't know him, but of course he called me to catch me up on his recent engagement and that his fiancé moved in with him.  Since she was away for the weekend, he asked me if I’d like him to come over but I would need to understand that it would be “no strings attached.”  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  He told me he is so in love with his fiancé and they will be married within a few months so now is our chance.  I did not let that happen.  We hung up and he proceeds to send me inappropriate texts of what he would like to come over and do.  The next morning he sends me a good morning text with this picture:

Actual size

I could not believe my eyes.  I asked him to send me proof that this was him and he did.  I called him and asked him WTF he was doing?  What would his fiancé say?  He said "if she knew, she would call everything off."  I couldn’t believe what he was putting into text messages – I could be psycho and print the whole thing and send it to her.  Again, my narcissist believes that it is only me he is doing this with (as he claims)…but…yeah…right.  He also said that it is a “look but don’t touch thing” before he gets married.  So, I told him “if that is there arrangement, he should come over and we could strip for each other but no touching allowed.”  He asked me to delete the text and please not show it to anyone.  I agreed ;)

Pig, Pig, Pig!

Suitor 22: Old Balls. 10/17

I agreed to go out with someone 44.  I thought that was going to be a little bit old for me.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He was very good looking.  Smart. Successful. and Goofy.  The perfect combination for me.  We stayed at dinner for 3 hours.  However...his divorce is not final yet.  He texted me when he got home that he hopes to see me soon.  It has been about 4 days and no word.  We will see what happens with this one and if he is ready......Stay tuned.....

Suitor 21: Just Eat It!. 10/13

This guy and I emailed a few years ago when we were both on the dating site but never ended up meeting.  Neither one of us remembered why.  We gave it a go this time around.  He is a nice guy.  We'll see what happens.  We went out twice so far.  There are no laughs but he is "nice."

However, I love going out to various restaurants and all ethnic foods.  He is "meat and potatoes" and that is it.  Sent his meat back 3 times because it was too "pink."  Not sure if this is going to work.  What do I do?!?

Suitors 16-20: No Cigars.....Through 10/2

Suitor 16: Bike Rider.  This guys works as a PI for the DEA, which was really cool.  He also gets sponsored for bike racing (not motorcycles...just bikes).  Nice guy....not a match.

Suitor 17: Red.  This guy looks like he was the little red head freckled kid.  Not so much anymore but you can tell he was.  He laughed too hard at everything, sweated WAY too much.  Not a match.

Suitor 18: Militant.  Very good looking, military engineer.  Nice guy but personality was serious and militant.  Not a match.

Suitor 19.  Pig Vomit.  Ever see the Howard Stern movie?  Well he reminded me of pig vomit.  I was in and out of Mexican dinner in 55 minutes.  Why he thought I was interested...who knows.

Suitor 20.  Text Chemistry.  This guy and I had great text chemistry. But - after meeting him, at the table, I kept asking myself if I'd want to kiss him.  I wasn't into it.  He sends me several texts after dinner on how pretty I am, how he had a great time, etc etc.  When he asks me out again, I replied that "you are cute and nice but I did not feel chemistry."  He then sends me another text that "yeah, we are not a match."  Huh?!?  I think he is trying to save face...

Next..........

Suitor #15: VIP. Sept 28

This guy emails me with his one and only "Very Interested Person" email of the week.  He seemed nice and his email to me was very specific to me and complimentary.  We went out for dinner and had a nice time.  No jitters, ok looking, but a nice guy.

I get a text from him the next day "how happy he is that he met me, I'm easy to talk to, and sexy as hell."  Calls me during the week and sets up a second date for dinner and a comedy club that is an  hour away.  YIKES!  That is a lot of time for a second date.  But - we go....

He started asking me about religion and when I told him about my religion and my own views on organized religion, he started asking me questions like: "So, you don't celebrate Christmas or go to church?  You don't believe in Heaven or Hell?"  This one is not going to be a match.

It was a long drive home from the hour away Comedy Club but we held the conversation.  He didn't walk me in and we said goodbye and hugged.

Next..........

Suitor #14: Lucky Charm. Sept 14

This guy added me to his "match.com favorite profiles."  His profile wasn't bad.  He asked a question in there...if you were a cereal, which would you be.  So - I emailed him.  Here is our first communication.

My email to him:
I'd be your lucky charm, baby ;)

How cheesy am I! I just had to write that after I read your profile.... HA!

Have a nice weekend ;)


His response:

Lucky Charms? Hmmmm I just realized I have never had Lucky Charms! I think you have just answered the question of why I am single? I have been eating the wrong cereal all along! I am going to have to "pick up" a box. Are you...ahem...they, magically delicious?

Just add milk,

xxx

P.S. I hope you picked up on the metaphors.


I wrote back:

xxx -- O....M....G..... I'm speechless and that does not happen often. Not sure if I should respond with a, "that's what she said," or are you being a match.com perv? but maybe I need to get to know you first to figure that one out ;) -xxx

We go on a date.  It was fine.  Neither here nor there.  He is definitely a good looking guy.  Not sure if we have much in common and no serious connection but it was pleasant.  He walks me to my car, puts his arms around me, gives me a peck on the lips.  He sends me a few more texts but does not ask me out again.  A month goes by and our texting stops...then out of nowhere, randomly starts again. 

Next.....

Suitor #13: Naked Guy. Sept 8

"They" say....always meet in a public place, never go back to a guys place until you know them, and trust your gut.  Well....who is the "they" anyway.  Let's count the red flags that I missed (let's just say ignored) with this guy.

I receive an email from a very good looking guy, with a graduate degree, was in the military, does well for himself, early 40s.  His profile says that his "divorce is not final."  RED FLAG 1.

I returned his email and told him that "I'm 35 and I'm very much looking to meet the right person.  You seem like a great catch but I'm not sure if you are ready since your divorce is not final.  Best of luck."  He emailed back and said that "there is no chance of reconciliation and he enjoys being in a relationship and being married and hopes to find the right one."  Well - I know many people who have been married twice before I've been married once, so I thought...what the heck.

He starts texting me beautiful pictures of the sunset and pictures of his two young daughters when they were making sushi one night.  How cute.  So - we agree to go on a date.

He suggested meeting at a wine bar down the block from his house.  RED FLAG 2.  He should be driving to me.  But - what the heck - it is only 10-15 mins away.  He texts me and asks me if I want to start off with a cocktail at his place before we go to the wine bar.  RED FLAG 3.  I said - let's just meet there.  On my way there, he texts and says parking is really bad and I should park at his place and we can walk.  RED FLAG 4.  I found parking without a problem across the street.

We greet each other and all I can say is this guy is HOT.  He is definitely a heart racing DILF.  Wow.  We grab a table outside and he goes inside to get a bottle of white, and a fruit/cheese and cracker plate.  Throughout the night, several men come up to him and say hello.  Seems to be his house hang out and I was just wondering if I was the flavor of the night.  RED FLAG 5.  He is so over-complimentary.  He compliments my shoulders (who compliments shoulders?) and what a nice ring I was wearing (a cheap costume jewelry ring!).  RED FLAGS 6 AND 7.  After about 2 hours, he suggest we go somewhere else....to eat, change scenery, etc.  He suggests we go down the block to his place and then decide.  I didn't think this guy was going to hurt me.  So - what the heck.  And....here we go.....RED FLAG 8.

He gives me the grand tour of his place, grabs me some water, and we start flipping through the channels.  He kissed me and what the heck -- I mean he IS a DILF.  But - I knew where this was going.  Within a couple of minutes he massages my shoulders and tells me that I should take my shirt off. I said no.  He tells me how hot he is and that he'd like to take his shirt of.  RED FLAG 9.  The six pack abs is staring right at me.  After a little while, he claims that his "you know what" is hurting him and he needs to take his jeans off.  This 43 year old man is acting like a 16 year old.  Here I am -- fully dressed and they guy is practically naked in front of me.  He did in fact take is you know what out of his underwear to show me what I'm missing.  Quite humorous.  I go to the bathroom, and when I get out, he is upstairs and asks me to come join him and cuddle in bed.  RED FLAG 10.  I told him that I'm not going upstairs and in fact I'm leaving.  He asks me why I was being that way -- I should take it as a compliment that he is attracted to me.  I said, if I sleep with everyone I go on a first date with, I'd be sleeping with another guy almost every night of the week.

I'm out.  He texts me the next day telling me what a great time he had and did not ask me out again.

Next.............